No, it’s not mother’s day, so what? Can’t I write about her? Of course. But why suddenly mom when I have a “one-sided love” topic, “feeling numb” topic, “imagination” topic and what not? So why suddenly “mom”? Because I didn’t click a photo with my mom and upload it on social networking site with the caption “love you mom”, trend huh? Joking. I’m writing about her cause I feel guilty thinking that I couldn’t be my mom’s good girl till 18 years and hadn’t the gut to say her for once, “I love you mom”.
From my childhood I’ve seen my mom being a strict woman…to me. I remember to get beaten most of the time because I hated books…back then. My mom used to sit right beside me for long 6 hours when I was bound to study. After 3hours of starting my study session, I used to get bored with those black bold letters perfectly sequenced to make a meaningful sentence, but the meanings used to fly over my head. And my mom’s tigress-like eyes started devouring me. In collaboration with her fiery eyes, my eyes started drooping. And finally she used to raise her sword (my plastic scale). Sometimes the sword went back to its place, with peace, and sometimes it attacked upon my back. I can’t remember the number of scales sacrificed themselves (got broken) upon my back.
As I grew older, the beating up session started to come to an end. But she still was strict. Not only about studies, but even when I didn’t want to eat any veges that I don’t like, her eyes were enough to warn me about the punishments. I hadn’t any opportunity to get rid of her orders. My dad himself was afraid of his queen.
Maybe for her strict behaviors, I couldn’t open my heart up to herself. Whatever happened with me, even good or bad, they preferred to be buried in my core. I came to know from my friends that their moms are just like friends. I felt myself unlucky to have such a mom who didn’t try to understand me. Like, she had the only job to put orders on me and I used to be bound in them. The mother-daughter relationship was restricted in this phase.
As I needed to open myself up, cause feeling were congesting in myself which became unable to bear as the time passed by, I chose to depend on my friends. I had a tendency to make one person among my friends group to make more special than others, whom I can tell every single thing I want to, which is typically called “best friend”. The one who was my first best friend was like…my everything. I used to be happy for her happiness; I used to cry for her sadness. As the time passed by, I realized that she didn’t feel the same. And it was proved after some incidents that she preferred using me in any work she needed to be done by me, like, carrying her backpack, doing her homework etc. My longing for her didn’t let my eyes see the truth. And when they saw, the friendship (which wasn’t really) was broken.
After losing her, I was afraid to befriend anyone. So I was like an isolated person in my school for 5 years. In class 11, I became friends with another girl and I thought this time I’m having faith on a right person. 3 years after, I’m here, but she’s no more my so called “best friend”. I’ve lost all belief on the word “friendship”.
At this time, when I was thinking I’m really a “Hidden glitter”, and all my secretes will always remain veiled; my mom came in my life with an amazing transformation. I couldn’t ever think that my mom would ask me if I have a boyfriend, with a smile on her face. I used to say “no”, just one word. But she insisted on me telling something about this. And one day, I told her that I like someone. Mom was in a completely different mood. She told me to explain everything I know about him. As I proceeded, I became more and comfortable with her. I used to tell her that I get angry when he gossips with another girl, she gave me suggestions how to deal with these situations, she still does. Whenever I cry for being hurt, betrayed, of because of my awkward mood swings, my teary eyes makes the vision quite hazy, but I could clearly see my mom’s eyes which could actually feel me from inside.
And as we became so close, she started sharing her long experience of her marriage life, her relation with her husband (her king, my dad), her mother-in-law, father-in-law and a lot of things that I didn’t believe she’d ever share with me. And I realized that my mom was waiting for me to grow up so she can open herself up too. She was desperate to tell me all these. But my anger on her for being strict with me didn’t let her do that for 18 years, maybe she could do it a lot before; I was the one who was away from her even when we lived under the same roof. She got her daughter as her friend really very lately.
Mom, I truly understand the values of your strictness. Without it, I couldn’t stand up on my feet. I know it’s quite late that you’ve become my friend, but thank you a lot to understand me when I need you the most. I can’t find a single moment that I won’t share with you. All my crazy meaningless feeling, only you who finds their values. Your sacrifices are unconditional; it’s only your hand which I want to hold forever. Sorry mom if my behaviors ever hurt you, but I promise they won’t anymore. I truly apologize to you for doing nothing on mother’s days for you in those 18 years. But I hope you know I’m too much grateful to you to have you back. I promise to be a person whom you’ve seen in your dreams. You’re the definition of true love.
To those people who are reading this, don’t ignore your mom (if you’re doing this) as you’ve grown up. Be a friend to your mom cause this is the phase of her life when she wants to tell you all those she has accumulated these years, waiting for you to understand her. Give attention to her, care for her, show your love to her…you’ll see what you really do mean to her. She’s the one who can throw all your depressions, sadness, anxiety away. Give her what she deserves.